First days. They can be anxiety-inducing. Whether it’s kindy, big school, high school, work, swimming lessons, or anything else that represents a new start, first days are scary for some of us, and our children. Even when everything starts ok, the worries can compound and by the time Day 2 (or Week 2) comes around, our children can become terrified.
This blog is a combination of my personal notes from a webinar from Dr Justin Coulson and my own experience as a mum of 2 young children who are now 6 and 9 and have had our fair share of “first days” – we have moved country three times and started plenty of new things with confidence thanks to the good tips below. So, whatever the ‘first’ actually is, you’ll find reassurance, gentle solutions, and successful strategies to support your children through those first tough 10 seconds, 10 minutes, or 10 days, so that they (and you!) can start with confidence.
We Don’t Always Get How Kids Feel
Sometimes we can forget what it feels like to be starting a new school or something new for the first time. An example of this is shown in the chart below:-
Researchers gave parents a scenario on paper and its an anxiety scenario. Parents rated the experience a 3 out of 10. With 1 being the least anxious and 10 being the most.
Then they were asked how anxious would your child be? Many answered - 4 out of 10. Then they gave the children the same scenario and they answered 9 out of 10.
So there is a big mismatch between what we think our children are going to experience and what they actually experience.
You can also see in the other scenarios about a happy situation and also something that might make you angry there was also a huge mismatch between what the parents expected for their children and what the children actually felt.
Now, we might be thinking as long as you don’t have an anxiety disorder then your gunna be fine right? But the fact is we don’t usually get how it feels. We have forgotten how it felt for us.
What Do We Typically Say?
“You’ll be okay” “Be Brave” – “It’ll be fine” “Come On It will be great!” “You are going to make heaps of friends” “Everyone is nervous” “You will love it”
Why Do We Say That?
We often do it because we feel like we have to say something, we want to make them feel better. Its actually more for us to feel better than for them. Because we don’t know how to take the time to truly listen and engage in their emotions.
Think for a moment about the message are we giving kids when we say those things? That there belief window is all mixed up. That they shouldn’t feel the way they do.
We don’t respond well when people tell us our belief window is all mixed up. How do you feel if you are upset and someone says “come on – you’ll be fine” – “come on – be brave” – “you’re overreacting”.
Hear the feelings in their heart, not just the words they are saying. Truly connect with how they feel. When they feel heard and understood they know that they matter and that they can get through it.
What Are They Actually Afraid Of?
Use your best powers of perception and empathy right now – Why do they have those fears and what would you say they are genuinely scared of? It could be one or more of these or others:-
- Unknown. They haven’t been there
- Large groups of people
- Won’t have friends
- Missing mum or dad or siblings
- Not fitting in
- Getting lost
- Being forgotten
- What if I cry
You’ve probably heard the acronym FEAR= False Evidence Appearing Real right?
We sometimes have irrational fears that takes over our creative energy. If we let that fear take over us, eventually it starts to be manifested in real physical health problems like stomach aches, headaches, bed wetting etc. Try this activity with your kids. We did it as a family and it really helped. You can use a whiteboard or piece of paper.
Fear Setting
- Identify: Write down what their (or your) fear is.
- Live it: Imagine this fear to the extreme. Write down the worse possible scenario. Live in it for a moment.
- Resolve it: Write or draw what you would do if that worse possible scenario happened. What is a game plan or some solutions you could turn to if that scenario actually happened.
- Move on: Now that you have a game plan of what to do, you are no longer curious of that fear. Now move on. Focus on only the positive thing you want and not what you don’t want. What you focus on will grow because you are creating it in your mind. Solidify this new belief with affirmations, actions and essential oils. Your physical body will help you identify and gauge how well you are doing.
Essential Oil Recommendations Oils for this Task:-
DDR Prime: Dilute with a carrier oil and rub it onto your neck, down the spine and bottom of the feet. Emotionally, the DDR Prime is the Oil of Transformation. It helps us transform our negative thoughts to positive thoughts.
Lavender Oil: The oil of Communication, to help me relax my mind. I might say, “I am able to communicate my thoughts and feelings with ease. I easily see other’s point of view.” Every time I use those oils, I make a mental association by saying those new positive affirmations. Essential oils are the positive, concentrated energies of the plants! It wraps us up in a powerful bubble of positivity, allowing our whole body to relax and produce happy chemicals.
Favourite Five to Fight First Day Fears
1. Emotions are Contagious – So Get a Grip!
Remember when you were young and exams rolled around. What happened with you and your friends when that time came? Were you the confident “don’t worry I’ve got this” type or did you have a different experience? The way people reacted was staggeringly breathtaking irrational and at times completely different. However, even if you were the cool calm customer when everyone shows up before the exam and starts talking about what they studied or this point or that point the emotional contagion starts – everyone makes everyone nervous. One kid cries and everyone cries.
If you are chilled about it your kids probably will be too. Remember emotions are contagious. Set a really calm, balanced example and we are modelling how to approach first days. Don’t pack in too much in during the days leading up to or of. Get yourself enough sleep.
Essential Oil Recommendations Oils for this Task:-
Use Adaptive at night or in the morning – Use the softgels and diffuse the oil to get good sleep. Apply Peace over your heart. Place 1 drop Copaiba under your tongue and Balance across your forehead. Diffuse Lavender Peace for restful calm sleep.
Pair the first day of school or whatever it is with something really fun. Like maybe something cool in their lunchbox.
2. Pre-Arm
Step them through what will happen, jump on the bus with them and do a couple of practice runs.
Tell them everything they will encounter – a day or two before do a test run.
Take them to the unknown and the unfamiliar by doing an orientation of the new space, people, make introductions etc.
3. Take The Pressure Off
Make it an easy morning (your morning starts the night before) – be in their world – get everything laid out and ready. Uniforms, bags etc.
Don’t schedule anything that afternoon after school or after the activity – have a quiet afternoon – play some games at home or cook their favourite meal. .
Say, “Its okay if its terrible”! Don’t say “have a great day” “make lots of new friends” (to kids that’s pressure!) Say “have the day you have and I can’t wait to hear all about it” .
4. Be Available
Don’t push and poke and prod. Usually, that is later after dinner and baths and start to talk. Give them time to decompress. If they don’t say much let that be it. After stories you might say – hey is there anything else you want to talk about?
Essential Oil Recommendations Oils for this Task:-
Geranium oil encourages emotional honesty – it is perfect for babies and children. Geranium nurtures the inner child. Ones who have a difficult time accessing their emotions can be supported by Geranium, as it leads away from the logical mind and into the warmth and nurture of the heart. Geranium instills unconditional love, and fosters trust. Use: Diffuse or dilute and apply over heart, over spine and bottom of the feet. You can also use this one in the bath at night by adding 1-2 drops to a non-scented lotion or their body wash and dilute in the running water to disperse the oil.
5. Practice Emotion Coaching
See it as a chance to connect. When you’re having a big emotion and someone tells you to calm down, your going to lose the plot. So do your best to recognise they are struggling and they need help so we need to be calm and kind.
Listen and validate – “oh so you are nervous/scared/worried/tense/stressed”. Give them words because when they hear those words they feel like you understand. “Yeah people sometimes feel like that when changes are coming. Its okay to feel worried”.
When you name it you tame it
Emotional centers don’t help us to think – they give us fight, flight or freeze. They get angry, they run away or they sit there and say what do I do now! So here is where we can say: “Why don’t you tell me what’s going on”
Its okay to be anxious but it can take over your life and make it unfunctional.
You can work out solutions together. “What things we can do together to help you feel safer”? I’ve got some ideas, give them a hug, play a game or read a story – and then we talk about some solutions.
The higher emotions the more refusal you are going to see so bring the emotions down so we can raise intelligence again. Space and distance to bring emotions down. Ask them do they have any ideas? “Well, I’ve got lots but talk about one idea…..” Google maps, walk to the classroom – get a picture of their teacher etc.
When Things Go South
The reality is not every first day is going to go well, it may even be the first week or first month. We might have kids on the spectrum, kids with anxiety disorder, or kids that just have a lousy day. Its okay!
1. Avoidance reinforces anxious feelings.
2. We have got to be okay with moderate discomfort. Generally as humans we try to minimise discomfort. We usually try to take the most comfortable path but moderate discomfort strengthens us and helps us deal with challenging times. We need to be ok with moderate discomfort (with lots and lots of empathy). If we can’t tolerate moderate discomfort now then we won’t cope as adults. Those are the big discomforts as adults and teenagers.
Moderate discomfort is when we ask them to do something that makes them uncomfortable but other children are able to do it. Other children who are like them. They can give it a go and get stuck into it. If we try and prevent our children from experiencing anxious feelings, and sad feelings and boredom etc – they will feel anxious that they feeling anxious! If we try and solve it all the time they won’t know how to deal with it. Now too much of those things is going to cause a problem but when they experience them in a moderate way when they are older they know how to tolerate it.
Focus on tiny wins. What was the one thing that was GOOD or DID enjoy?
Essential Oil Recommendations for This Task:
Usage: Diffuse; dilute and apply to diffuser jewellery or dilute and apply over heart and pulse points. Place 1 drop on a tissue to put in their pockets.
Anchor Steading Blend: Anchor us when we feel upheaval or instability, either outward or inward life. Its calm, present and supportive. Separateness, uncertainty and concealment are symptoms of fear and not solutions. Anchor encourages us to step on the to path before us with clarity and courage and offers reassurance that it will be there, holding space for as long as it is needed.
Bergamot: good for those feeling down and hopeless. Hope and courage to share inner self. Reignite optimism and confidence in the self.
Ginger: Be fully present and participate in life. Addresses patterns of victim mentality, believing everything is outside our control. Refusing to take responsibility. Feeling stuck. Defeated. Feel empowered, committed, capable, purposeful and accountable.
Essential Oil Tools for First Day Fears
Choose something age appropriate for your child:
On the Day and the Night Before
Diffuser jewellery
Inhaler
Roller bottle
A drop of oil on a hankie or tissue in their pocket
A drop of oil inside their clothes
Massage down spine, back of neck and bottom of feet before school
Diffuse calming oils the night before and on the day at breakfast
